


before you go

by brokenmasquerade, mazeltov



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Dean Winchester/Castiel - Freeform, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Drug Use, Flashbacks, Kissing, M/M, Memories, Sex, Young Love, character illness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 06:27:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7211621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenmasquerade/pseuds/brokenmasquerade, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mazeltov/pseuds/mazeltov
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gripping on too tight can leave scars; it only hurts the ones you love.</p><p>It was during the summer that everything changed- Castiel makes a decision that destroys Dean. Five years later, Dean must face his past, and the memories that he and Cas share.</p><p>There is love in holding on, and there is love in letting go.<br/>Dean learns to live, because love can mean to let go when you want to hold on tighter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	before you go

**_habits/ tove lo_ **

_You're gone and I gotta stay_  
_High all the time_  
_To keep you off my mind_  
_High all the time_  
_To keep you off my mind_  
_Spend my days locked in a haze_  
_Trying to forget you babe_  
_I fall back down_  
_Gotta stay high all my life_  
_To forget I'm missing you_  


His eyes are at half mast, moonlight glinting off his eyelashes in just the right way, so it looks like his eyes are alive with a quiet fire. He looks up at Dean wantonly, a glimmer of a soft smile gracing his plush lips. Cas’ eyes are blue, the blue of gleaming China porcelain, of a clear summer sky, and the glimmer of a chlorine-scented swimming pool. That's the best Dean can think of, because really?

Cas’ eyes are indescribable, because Cas is indescribable. He is an enigma wrapped in a riddle, decorated with a puzzle and some Rubik’s cubes to boot.

_ I know,  _ Cas seems to say, in the steady blinks and slow breaths he takes. 

Cas opens his mouth a little then, just a bit, a breath. He licks his lips slowly, suggestively, crooking a hand around Dean’s neck and pulling him forward, until their foreheads are pressed together like an embrace. Dean can’t help but shudder; their noses just barely touch, mouths a hairbreadth away from each other.

Then, (Jesus _ fucking Christ _ ) Cas locks lips with Dean, mouths surging together, a clash, crumbled, a rumble of thunder and Dean is raw, cracked open, undone.

 

Cas smells of leather and the just-there salty tang of sweat, and something sweet like clover honey, and something else Dean can’t quite put a finger to. They come up for air, and holy shit- it’s like Dean had been drowning. Cas’s eyes are impossibly dark, pupils blown wide, drinking Dean in like the strongest supernova; it’s as if they hold the night skies behind them, those eyes of Cas’s. 

The air around them seems to hum slightly, tastes metallic, like just before a storm, charged with heat, an energy that is at once wrenching them apart and pushing them desperately towards each other. Cas looks at him steadily, quietly, with the unwavering stare he always uses on Dean, and grins in a way that sends stars spinning, that sets Dean’s heat racing, nearly skipping beats at a time. Cas pushes Dean backwards, the back of his knees hitting something, before he falls back (oh  _ oh _ \- onto a  _ bed _ ) and Cas fixes his mouth on Dean’s neck, “Oh, Cas, baby- right the-” Dean doesn’t finish his sentence because Cas bites, and _ jesus  _ that feels amazing.

 

The rest of the world fades away until it is only him and Cas, this beautiful boy, his damnation, his undoing. They meet eyes, searching, mapping each other’s faces, until Dean kisses Cas, pulling him closer, clenching his shirt tight. Neither lets go of the other, even as they burn each other to the ground.

They aren’t two separate flames- no, they were an inferno, a hot drag of skin on skin, burning and burning, and Cas must’ve been a fire because he glowed like molten lava and a spark from his embers sets Dean’s heart on fire, and an unstoppable emotion that tastes like ash and feels like power drags Dean closer, closer (but never close enough) to Cas from behind his collar bones. Cas was always a step ahead and two breaths away. They are an ocean, tumulting and rocking, hips and chests pressed tight until there’s no room to breathe-

But that was alright because Dean didn’t need air. He needs Cas like a fish to water, he could survive on him alone. Dean was breathing him, and he was suffocating- damnit, Cas was  _ killing _ Dean. But it didn’t matter, it  **could not** matter, because he was all Dean had left.

 

Dean woke up with a gasp, a groan, a shudder for air. He pulled the bottle of Jack’s towards himself reflexively, unscrewed the cap and poured it down down down his throat. But he could never drown this out, this enormous sadness.

Dean sighed, a long drawn out sound as he inhaled the sweet smelltaste as he smoked from a rolled up cigarette, a cloud of magick and emptiness taking him apart and laying him dry on a field of soft grass. The smoke drifted up to the ceiling of the dark, empty room, as it always seemed to. 

And so life went on. 

Without angels, without Cas. Only broken shards of memories that bit and tore, that could only be numbed with drugs and drink. 

And so there was one, the Lone Ranger, sobbing in a lonely space that was full of shadows, with only a sloshing bottle and spiders to comfort him. 

And so the demons haunted on, getting their last laugh.

**Author's Note:**

> updated continually, whenever two chapters are written.


End file.
